Social Media "Friending" Etiquette?

Note to Reader: This is a bit of a rant, don't hold it against me but I'm curious what other people think.

I "left" Myspace because of harassment from 1) Random guys (At least a few times a week I got messages telling me I was hot or asking for my number or making dirty suggestions- seriously, does this even work??) and 2) Sleazy marketing companies offering me low credit or the chance to win an ipod.  AKA - Myspace became SPAMSPACE. 

Facebook now appears to be heading down the same road.  I am accosted with 1) App spam and 2) Networking SPAM.  I define networking spam as people who message me because "I noticed you were in the same group as me (generally business related), so we should be friends". 

1) App Spam - this stuff is sent by my friends.  It reminds me of the people who STILL forward me the please to forward an email chain on to get Little Sammy a wheel chair or because Microsoft is tracking the email chain and will pay you $500 if you forward it.  Seriously.  Unless you REALLY think I will like it - STOP SPAMMING ME.

2) Networking Spam - Friend requests sent by people who I don't know who want me to be one of the 1000+ members of their friends group so that they can spam me with stuff I don't care about and look like they are super connected and have lots of friends.  Unless there is really a legitimate reason for the friend request (beyond we are both in the PR 2.0 group - perhaps and we live in the same area, worked in the same place, attend the same conferences) I don't really see the need to be your Facebook Friend.

Perhaps part of the problem is *my idea* of the *rules of engagement* on Facebook.  For me, Facebook is a place to connect with my friends (i.e. people who I have a relationship with, either in real life or on line) or to meet new people who I *genuinely* share an interest with.  If I friended everyone who I had *something* in common with I would have millions of friends, and would probably lose track of what my actual friends are doing (which to me is the point of being on Facebook). 

In my mind "we both joined the same group" isn't a legitimate reason for a Friend request (note the word "FRIEND" request).  To me, Facebook is a place where my friends write random things on my wall, post crazy pictures and I can connect and reconnect with them.  If somebody wants to join my "business network" then request me on linkedin, or "follow-me" on Twitter.

I think that on social networking sites the nomenclature of the request should guide the choice of how to connect:

• Facebook = Friend Request = For Friends
• Linked in = Join My Network = Work Networking
• Twitter = Follow = No relationship required

Don't get me wrong - I'm a friendly person and I love meeting new people and developing relationships (both online and offline). I follow people I don't know (who interest me) on Twitter and I have made a number of friends through these online connections.  I just think that different social media tools should be used differently.  And yes, I know that I don't have to accept anyone as a friend, however as the number of random friend requests increases I'm sure to miss some genuine friend requests.  Also, do I seem anti-social by not accepting?

I'm sure that this is likely to create some controversy (I recently had a heated discussion about this).  Thoughts anyone?  Do I sound crazy here?  Is there social network etiquette?

Comments

[Brad]

Here's a switch - I hear it live and then I read it online :)

[Krista]

Maybe I should have started with "Inspired by a heated discussion with Brad King". LOL.

[Chris]

A good post, but I think that relegating Facebook to a purely social or friend app is shortsighted (IMHO). There are a lot of things that I can do on FB that I can't do with LinkedIn with business contacts so it makes it a good place to friend business related acquaintances and get to know a little bit better.

I look at LinkedIn as a true networking app. For compiling that list of people who fit well into what I am doing and who might be able to help me and vice versa.

FB is a good app to keep up with friends but also with business contacts that you have some sort of relationship with (interact on a regular basis) and want to get to know on a more personal level.

[Krista]

@Chris - Thanks for the comment. I agree that there is cross-pollination and that using them purely in one way is dramatic.

I was thinking more in terms of complete strangers. My experience (from accepting 2 of these random "we are in the same group" people) has been that they don't try to develop a relationship or contact you again. It is purely to build up their networks and have more "friends" vs. to actually develop a relationship.

[Brad]

Only if you end it with, "and he was right."

I still say that the very concept of the Internet is that we are all connected together. The 'rules' are different than in real life. When you are connected to everyone, everyone is connected to you.

You can set up your filters - whatever those may be - but the minute you try to set YOUR rules, you open a can. And those worms are this: as soon as someone sets rules, you have standards imposed. Then it's a constant question of who administers those rules.

The Internet is decidedly libertarian in its conception. From open-software to the original Homebrew Computer Club where the first PC was built.

It's important to maintain that openness - even if it means creepy creeps get to play.

[Brad]

BTW, shouldn't it be called "Frediquette"?

[Marcus]

Krista-

Like it or not, one reason why people will discover your blog is because they see your beautiful face and click on your photo. You're a marketing maven - surely you know this! Here I am - poking around Cincinnati people on Twitter, and five clicks later, I'm reading your blog.

This doesn't make me a nut-case*.

So, I liked what I saw, both because you have an awesome photo and because I am interested in marketing an internet start-up, having done that myself 10 years ago, and grown it to a multi-million dollar enterprise. but enough about me... that's not my point...

My point is that there are normal people who see your photo, click on it, and want to follow you for any number of reasons, one of which is that you have a great photo. And it seems like complimenting you is the right way to start. So hate me for complimenting you. I can take it. It won't stop me from reading your blog.

I dunno.. maybe I am a nut-case.

*I admit to being an eccentric. Not a nut-case. The difference is the portfolio.

And no, you won't find me hittin you up on myspace or facebook.

[brian]

I agree on your hierarchy of social networks.
I try to keep facebook to people I truly have met in person or podcasts I follow.
Linked in is for buisness only.

Twitter a little looser on following. For instance I follow Chicago tribune, woot.com, and barrack obama's news feed.
but I also drop people who post every 5 mins with spam like content

[Frank Keppler]

Krista,

No, by signing up on MySpace, Twitter, Facebook, you don't deserve to be hit on, or get sexual comments and SPAM. It's like saying that they way someone dresses is asking for it.

You have the right to have a fun, positive and respectful digital life, in every way.

However, there are advantages to being female in certain techy areas lately. I have watched Cali Lewis from GeekBrief for a few years, and she sometimes wears our shirts.

On Twitter, she's approaching 8,000 followers. I think I have 5 (and you're one of them, thank you!). But, the odds are that, unless I go busting my head against a wall like "Jackass" that I won't get to 8,000 anytime soon!

But I also listen to fellow Ohio-an Todd Henry at Accidental Creative. He was the one who invited me first onto Twitter, where I saw your listing. I had also listened to Debra Milling's podcast Design Matters, and maybe you were following her, and you seemed interesting. Whenever I talk about marketing/branding at my office, everyone wants to kill me. So, I found your knowledge exciting.

So, I hope I'm not just picking women to talk to. I try to catch myself.

Sometimes I wish I had more attention online. You sometimes wish you had less (or less of a certain kind).

I shouldn't say it, cause I know it brings up a ton of other arguments, but maybe women in tech have a major advantage right now. Smart, tech-saavy, attractive, well-spoken women can help to communicate to everyone about this area of the economy in a very fresh way.

But, I'm huge on women's rights, and you're right, just cause you might choose to "follow" someone on Twitter, you haven't invited him to coffee.

On the other hand, I could see a guy being attracted to that in a woman. There could be a admiration here and there. I suppose it can confuse a guy, not knowing how to really say, "hello," or what to say next.

Maybe it's about everyone learning from all the new media, and beginning to develop an etiquette for each one.

I just had another thought...the entire internet started for academic/government work. It was void of social talking and pickup lines. Then AOL turned chat. Over the course of time, people have tried yahoo, AIM, skype, sightspeed, then text messaging, to try to get a personal connection to the type of communication they want. (Perhaps it's all a ploy to rid ourselves of the crazy pickup line guy who just won't stop).

Well, I hope my answer wasn't too crazy.

Frank